New chapter
Posted on: 2026-09-24 18:04:00
Well, I officially move to Washington tomorrow. I haven’t sent every object I own, because I can’t afford to and didn’t want to, but I’ve sent the most important things. I hope UPS isn’t curbstomping my PC right now. It should arrive tomorrow, just like I will.

I feel a lot of mixed emotions. Anxiety and hopefulness. Sadness and anger. Annoyance towards my family is poking through at the moment due to the way they’ve entangled themselves into my plans in a way that feels less out of consideration or concern for me and more out of self-centeredness. Fortunately, or I guess UNfortunately, I am used to it so it’s okay. I hope everyone can get along happily this weekend. And if not I’ll just cry myself to sleep in Cygnus’s bed (I guess it’ll be my bed too) and try to forget it ever happened.

I’ve been trying to unplug in general too lately. I realize more and more how little my presence matters in the spaces I so desperately wanted to plant my roots in. I’ve complained about it before, but I just don’t have the special ingredients to be an interesting person. I sound upset about this in my current tone probably, and sometimes it makes me want to scream and cry and throw things, but at this moment in time I’m ambivalent… I think it was bound to happen. As I start my new life and hopefully find a job, I’ll have less and less reason to NEETmode with friends a reasonable physical distance away. I may delete things. I haven’t decided.

Something a little more momentarily-touchy, somewhat related, is just my thoughts of.. interpersonal relationships… not as a hypothetical, but, ones I have or had. I’m not really good at knowing when the other person truly isn’t giving me the time of day, because my self worth is already pretty low, but… I’ve been having thoughts. Will I do anything with them? Who can say.

Well, I’m afraid of the future and what it’ll bring to me. I think living in a place with an actual winter will kick my depressive ass but hopefully it’ll all work out in the end. I want to hug my girlfriend tomorrow.