its my birthday
Posted on: 2025-11-28 14:14:00
today is my birthday! yay. or, well, kind of yay. i think everyone has complicated feelings about their birthday, aging, and other such things, so i know i am not special when i say i have those too. currently i am home alone on my computer because my sister is at work. so, admittedly, today does not feel very special yet. we'll have dinner later at a restaurant i like which is nice though.

i guess my birthdays always feel a little empty though.. i wish i could celebrate them in the way you see on TV or something. whenever mine rolls around there's just a stark reminder that most of my family doesnt understand me much or know what todo to make me happy, and honestly i don't know the answer to that either...! so it's complicated. the idea of a surprise party is nice, but i am a control freak. the idea of getting gifts is nice, but i hate asking for things. stuff like that. i'm kind of hard to please, admittedly. these petty issues are small potatoes compared to the big thing though which is, well, my mom passing away earlier this year.

i try not to make that fact a core facet of my personality or anything but i can't exactly not think about it on a day like this. my mom was also someone who didn't understand me much, and maybe never could, but i think her desire to do so was larger than that of my siblings or other family. i love my siblings to be clear, and they are doing nice things for me around this time, but some of it feels obligatory i suppose aha.. especially with that context, my sister has basically admitted she's doing some of teh things she's done because it's what mom would have wanted. but what about what i want? what do i want? i don't know, and that's the problem. i feel like there's some bigger and shinier emotions i should be experiencing right now, but i truly don't know how to reach them.


well, it probably seems bad for me to complain so much, huh? what are some good things. Well, tomorrow morning i will be on a flight to visit my girlfriend. i probably mentioned that in an earlier entry. only for a week which never feels like enough, but it is something. it'll be cold there and the clothes i packed most certainly won't be enough but we ball. 

of course the gay people in my phone are sending me well wishes and being niceys to me which i appreciate. thank you everyone. i feel silly replying to every individual on bluesky or tumblr or whatever with "thank you"s, but maybe i should do that. well if any of you read this please know i appreciate it. everyone just wants a little attention you know. maybe more than a little, in my case. heheh.

another thing.. did i mention rorojam? i think i did. well rorojam was kind of a birthday gift to myself too. i had a game i was working on for that but i don't think i will finish it in time for trip.. that's okay though.

hmm...hmmmmmm wish i had more to say. aging is weird and it kinda sucks. i feel like the days leading up to birthday are always more fun than the birthday itself. maybe the idea of a birthday is overinflated? or i don't have the emotional capacity to enjoy it the way i want? i simply don't know. I will eat a yummy soup in about 4 hours though, and it will be awesome. 

art is hard so I'll write instead
Posted on: 2025-11-15 11:38:00
i have hit a creative block again. Drawing is hard atm. I have a commission I should be working on but instead I am dying. Oh well. I'm not sure why my motivation died all of a sudden.. I know it will come back, but I am frustrated since I want to make something for me and Mala's Robotic Romance jam but can't find it in myself to do it... at times like this I wonder why I'm so hesitant to work with others. Part of it is just not having a lot of close friends to begin with, but some people can work with strangers so easily... why not me? I think I'm just afraid of making art for a story I hate, or vice versa. I'm a little bit of a control freak so I just do everything myself. The fool's path.

Well since I mentioned RoRo jam, I'll talk about that too. People seem interested in it and I am happy. I want more robot games.. robot stories.... I like thinking about being something artificial and loving something artificial. I wish robot girls with heart were real instead of the AI slop we have now. Sigh. I think our society is too focused on replacing humanity for such a thing to ever exist the way it does in fiction. How sad,

Also, it is my birthday at the end of the month. 28.. save the date.. if u want. My birthday makes me kind of anxious since [THE EVERMARCHING PASSAGE OF TIME] but also just.. um... I don't spend them with people who understand me.. so it feels a bit hollow I guess... I am thankful for the online wishes I receive every year, but... sometimes a guy just wants to actually have a party with friends, you know? Well, the day after, I am flying out to see my girlfriend. I think it will be awesome. I hate waiting months and months just to see him for only a week but sometimes that's how it is. Long distance is cringe. Rips my skin off.

Games I've played recently... the one that sticks out most is Stray Children. What an interesting follow up to moon. Admittedly the combat mechanic is kind of strange and janky, but it wouldn't be cut from the same cloth if it wasn't a little fucky and obtuse, right? I like it overall, despite my frustrations. I might write more of my thoughts once I finish it. I think I've played for like ten hours but some of the review times I've seen are like a hundred hours and idk how they're getting to that point but WE'LL SEE.

I think I had more to say but I forgot it the second I started writing. Oh well. That's what's going on with me! Goobye 
secondlife is fun
Posted on: 2025-10-23 13:02:00
hello. i havent been using this blog as mucvh as i thought i would. oops! my life is boring. I have been playing a shitload of secondlife to distract from the horrors, so i thought i would talk about that a bit.

i actually tried to make this post once already and it um. got eaten? so i guess this will be a briefer version. lol

the big thing that got me back into it was that RPGMaker Clubhouse got a bigger building to work with, so i got to decorate my own room which was swag


i love stars.. i love ourple... lots of people have been visiting the clubhouse too which has been awesome. i've also been doing more avatar work, but first i want to show the doll avi i made a little bit before this...
(feat. mala. a lot of these are feat. mala actually. hello mawa)

the doll avi is incredibly cute but not super versatile since the body doesnt fit most things. so of course i ahd to experiment again and make a new one. robot...!!!


isn't it cute? i love the tail. i love the silly ear thingies. very cave-story-esque, i made them myself with some prims lol


not sure what else to talk about regarding SL actually.. ive just been exploring a lot, hanging out with friends, trying to even get my girlfriend to start playing it... wish me luck..... But as fun as that stuff is, i guess i find it difficult to talk about it in an interesting way. you just gotta be there i guess!

I need to rework the (currently inaccessible, but it IS on the site) secondlife page, and add these new avatars and talk about them more.. Did you know they have names? my astronaut (pictured below) is named Badge, the doll girl is named Sorba, with both just being derivatives of "starbage". as such, i'm not sure what to call the robot yet... do i try to keep to the theme, or just do something new? I like the names Mint and Tart, but i haven't decided on anything yet, heheh... I think they're all super cute though, i need to draw them altogether sometime...

My beautiful Badge... farewell for now💫
first real post ~ kail rambles about artistic progress
Posted on: 2025-09-29 11:22:00
hello everyone! I have blog now. How exciting. Thank you to mala/ophanimkei for all of her site help.. without her my website wouldn’t really exist the way it does now, I would still be on neocities surely. And neocities is fine, but.. being able to use php has kind of irreversibly changed my world already idk if I could go back, LOL.

How have things been? Well, pretty all over the place. I recently released a game on my main account after not doing so over a year. It is about feelings related to how terrible this year was. But I think it’s vague enough that anyone can relate to and enjoy it. I would love to release a longer game on starbage soon, but I don’t know if it’s in the cards right now. You may remember the project o was working on— Beneath the Teal Symphony? It’s a 3D game made in the rpgmaker MV3D engine. I do think I will complete it someday, but it’s pretty ambitious so maybe I wasn’t ready to make it yet. I dunno! I had a lot of moments of dwindling activity/lost confidence a lot during the making of HalOPE, so maybe it’ll be like that. Now that I’ve completed bigger games though I guess I feel the need to be faster. Unfortunately I’ve always been someone who does these things at my own pace which is why I can probably never open a patreon unless there’d be an audience for literally everything I draw haha

That’s not to say I’m not making anything though.. currently working on a visual novel for my evil alter ego. Should I even mention that here? Well, who cares. If you know you know. I think visual novels are just easier for me to create right now, but I’ve not thought of a premise for one that would fit the type of work I post on starbage. You know. It probably seems silly to segment myself in such a way, but it’s what makes me most comfortable I think. Heh. 

My creative motivation is in spite of a lot of despair surrounding the state of art, though. A lot of the art I wanted to create would have been profitable just a year ago but is now risky to accept payment for. How fucked up is that? And yet I can’t stop making things. In fact it makes me want to make riskier things. Even BTTS has some themes in it I don’t think payment processors will like, it’s just on a tamer side. Call it spite maybe. For me, I’ve found art is really the only way I’m able to express myself fully (this blog is something of an experiment in that regard) so I have to do it or I will explode and die forever.

Last art-related thing.. hm.. I might start taking commissions soon, because my boss is evil and cutting my hours. Commissions scare me, I’ve only done maybe one or two in the past.. I also am not confident my art will appeal to many people, or I’ll be able to draw just anyone’s chatacter.. mala suggested I do skeb-style, so I think it could be fun. I want to finish my current project first though, less I hyperfixate on the commissions and then neglect it. 

Anyway, thanks for reading.. you may know I’ve had multiple blogs in the past but I always delete them. I’m a pretty shy person you know. But I’d like to not be. I think it is difficult to make connections when you self-sabotage as much as me, and in our current fascist hellscape that’s become a little unbearable. My life is also boring, but I’ll try to yap about things I care about… stop worrying if other people see it… ok, yay. Goodbye for now