Kail tries to become literate
Posted on: 2026-07-22 12:50:00
READING: No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai
PLAYING: various toxic yuri visual novels
WATCHING: mobile suit gundam (again. We fell off and got back on.)


good afternoon. I keep waking up at 12. I’ll sleep until 9 AM but then go back to sleep without fail every time. I sleep until my eyes hurt. The sleep is fitful, regardless of if I sleep for 4 hours or 12. My sister hides medication from me so I’ve just been rawdogging my sleep patterns and it is a little painful. Oh well.

I’ve been trying to read more books. I read Convenience Store Woman at the recommendation of mala, and now I am reading No Longer Human at the recommendation of cyg. Well, we are trying to read it together actually. We both want to read more. I have a lot of issues with watching/reading/doing things. A sort of media executive dysfunction. Wel I have that in general so I guess it makes sense it would be inflicted upon fun activities too. It’s strange. It feels like some people are just doing something all the time. Always able to block out brain noise… how do they do it I wonder? I just lack the focus maybe. I’m just lazy, maybe. Too lazy to even do things that I would enjoy…?

In any case, it’s strange how CSW and NLH are actually pretty similar. They’re both by Japanese authors which I guess is an obvious conclusion to draw but moreso the contents of each. Convenience Store has a more straightforward type of writing style, and the protagonist is more at peace with her situation, but both of them are at odds with humanity and societal expectations. They both explicitly describe themselves as different types of creatures from humans. It’s really a very funny coincidence. The protagonist of No Longer Human experiences self hatred to no end over this fact, so it is interesting to see how similar concepts can result in wildly different moods. There is also a time period difference at play, so I wonder if NLH was any sort of inspiration. Idk!

I actually used to really love reading. In school I guess since there were designated times for it it became an easier hobby to indulge in… but once that time was gone I fell into doing more immediately attention grabbing things. I think my art and sense of self has suffered immensely. I hope I can rectify it somehow! So far I’m having fun even if it is just a fad I will fall out of someday.

I am of course reading a bunch of novels for TYVNJ. I wish I could get more people to read my own novel, but I’ve found myself experiencing a general disdain for artists who only talk about themself in public spaces, or who are too obvious in their desire to want to be seen so as to forget about others, to the point where I keep my mouth shut a good 80% of the time. It’s a bit of a curse really. I’ve read like 15 VNs I think. Some good. Some middling. I don’t think I’ve read one I consider “bad” yet which is nice. I feel a dense mix of inspiration coupled with exhaustion. I wonder when I’ll feel able to create again. 
Post jam jitters
Posted on: 2026-07-13 21:11:00
Hello, currently I in the bath feeling the water get hotter. I feel like a frog cooking in a pot. Pleasant feeling somehow. I like sitting in the bath while the water is running.. I dislike turning it off and not having any background noise, but i also do not want to waste water. I’ll turn it off soon.

Toxic Yuri VN Jam has concluded. I finished my entry, somehow, which I am happy about. Unfortunately it is very long so it will take a while for anyone to look at it and that’s very agonizing to deal with. Playing other entries is of course a landmine for imposter syndrome type symptoms, and social media exacerbates this in an insane way. Mentally ill person being mentally ill over stuff that doesn’t matter. Who would’ve guessed?

I guess at times like this, I am reminded of my terrible socialization. I’ve tried, I feel like I’ve tried more recently than I have in a long time (even if I feel as if I’ve given up since a week or two ago) but it doesn’t go anywhere. I do think I’m the problem, but that doesn’t tell me how to fix it. Is being nice enough? I act nice, but then people just treat me like a jar to fill. Is that my purpose in this world? Maybe… maybe. I wonder!

Wel it’s my blog so I can talk about myself as much as I want here. I’ve been thinking again and again about intertwining my internet personas on this website or in some other form or fashion, but fear has a steadfast grip on me. What am I afraid of exactly, if I feel so friendless? Who can say. I care too much! In any case, I will cook in the water some more.
ugu
Posted on: 2026-07-04 19:42:00


Hello I don’t really have a plan for this entry I will just be rambling a little. You know I wonder who reads these. It’s a bit mortifying to consider that people check this site often. I looked at my neocities stats and they are still decently high. Since the index page redirects to here Iassume at least some of them end up here and see how mentally ill I am which is scary. I used to delete all my blogposts but they’re so easy to make now that it’s easy to just pretend they don’t exist. THANKS MALA!

I feel like a burden. Still jobless admittedly I haven’t been searching. I have savings but I squandering them probably. I feel like I should have started making a profit on my art when I was 16. I wonder if releasing games for free ever really meant something. I wonder if making games ever meant something. I wonder if anything means something. I need to go outside probably. I suspect I become a different person sometimes… I’ve only been seeing my mother’s face in nightmares and it is upsetting. I am sorry that I remember you in this way

I guess I’m a little sadder than I thought !! Fuck!! Why do all my entries have to be so sad? this bitch needs to smile or something.