Still trucking
Posted on: 2026-05-31 01:08:00
WATCHING: Mobile Suit Gundam, other seasonal animes
PLAYING: Automaton Heart
I'm still unemployed! Yay! It's been like a month now. Truth be told, I have a decent amount of savings to live on and my sister still has a job, so it's not as bad as it could be. However, the NEETmoding has taken an insane toll on my mental, especially coupled with the fact that my sister is supporting me essentially! I feel like a huge waste of space, oh no!
That job interview I mentioned went poorly, I guess, because I did not get hired.. not sure what I did wrong, if I'm being honest. I do often say I'm socially inept, and I make a lot of mistakes when anxious for sure... But the bar is also way lower than I assume it is. Public interactions in general are always kind of strange. There are a lot of weird people in this world who lack any self awareness. That is to say, isn't it better that I at least know I'm strange? Maybe not, because it makes me self conscious..
It might also be that nebulous Job Market at play. I have no idea how to navigate such a thing, and anyone who could really teach me is gone. My sister has had the same job for the last five years and it was the second job she's ever had so she doesn't have much experience either. My brother is... well...... let's just say he is god's favorite so his advice doesn't help me much. LOL. It sucks to be the loser sibling, but at least it means I am not dead on the street. Sorry for not contributing anything.
Well, I've kind of put job search off to the side for the moment regardless. I am going on a ~Family Vacation~ next week. We had this planned since last year. It was my brother and his wife's idea. Lol. I feel extra bad going in a vacation when I am being a huge loser NEET but it's not like I can Unpay for it now. Kail going on a boat. Imagine a purple cat drinking a martini on the beach. That will be me. I am admittedly anxious about the whole affair, but when am I not anxious? That is the question.
On the overall bright side, I finally cut my hair uber short. I've been wanting to for a long time, but socializing with a hairdresser stressed me out bc I'm stupid. I was finally peer pressured into it though and it feels great. It still doesn't feel real admittedly, it just feels like I'm wearing a permanent ponytail... it's better this way. I've always had an androgynous affect, and I think my hair being short will finally solidify this. I also have a decent vocal register but I'm working on making it even lower. Just through casual exercise.. so we'll see if anything comes of that.
What else? Oh, I'm incredibly stressed about TYVNJ2 still. I want to make something but I'm burnt out, and I'm not good at asking for help. Not sure what help I would even want!
I realize I've put too much credence on my art and what it means to my sense of self. Well, I've known this for years, but I'm going to talk about it again. It's kind of the only way I feel I can truly communicate with other people, so of course I have to make it. And of course, if I'm not able to make it, then I might as well fade away... Lol, that's stupid right? But it is what I believe. I think I need to talk to more people outside of that context, or just in general, but it feels so difficult. I dont feel like I have other personal qualities. Playing secondlife is nice but I still don't feel like I'm achieving what I want yet. How do you hold a conversation? How do you repeat that process? How do you sustain a self that is a person worth conversating with? These are the questions I ask myself. Ones that don't matter very much, with no action behind them..
I suppose it's silly to question oneself so late at night. My mind is bouncing all over.. Bed time!
Sludge
Posted on: 2026-05-18 11:52:00
I woke up with pain in my stomach today. It feels like heartburn but I am not sure. Usually it doesn’t last so long! But I ate a lot of food before going to bed last night. I blame my hormones and poor impulse control. My sister is trying to show me a tiktok so now I’m losing focus on what this entry was supposed to be about.
IDK if I mentioned it in last entry, but I quit my job. My horrible convenience store job. It was a small business and even though the rules were slack, the lack of structure and constantly being taken advantage of was really getting to me. Also I hate selling vices to people… I hate selling cigarettes and alcohol. It was kind of an impulsive and bad decision because I don’t have another job lined up yet, but it all feels like a bad dream now. So that’s kind of nice, even if it’s a consequence of my dissociative state. I am stressed about lack of job and falling into my old NEET habits as a result but oh well!!
I actually had a job interview the other day but im not sure if it went well because it was my first interview ever and im kinda socially inept. I hope it did? But I also worry this job will have me working full time and that sounds kind of dreadful. But maybe being a wage slave will make me more normal. I don’t know.
Work on subtractive Runemixer going well I think. The third dungeon is mostly done, but I worry it has structural issues… actually I’m worried abt that with the entirety of the game. It’s too much to explain in a blog entry, but I want to make a game that’s worth purchasing. I would like to release it commercially… is it worth it to bloat a game artificially for playtime though..? Is it artificial if I feel good about the result…? I’m not sure. Speaking of commercial releases, Glow of Honeydew will be on steam. How beautiful and wonderful. I hope lots of people play it.
Toxic yuri jam 2 coming up soon but I don’t know if I have the fortitude to make something. I say that and then do it anyway. But my idea for it might just be bigger than I can tackle by myself.. and I have people who say they’d want to help but honestly I’m not really sure what they can contribute to my vision. That feels mean to say though, like my artistic vision is perfect… it’s just that I value a certain stylistic consistency, maybe…? I’m not sure. Let’s sum it up as me being a Control Freak. I might still make something but I don’t know if it’ll be the original idea I Really Want to make. We’ll see in like a week and a half I guess.
Scattered thoughts… scattered thoughts…. I’m in an endless loop of worrying about art and life and stagnation of those two things. Many such cases. I had a strange dream last night where the game I was working on shifted into something completely different. A program that was possessed by some kind of spirit.. I wish I could remember it better. But maybe it’s better that I don’t!