STARBAGE

today is my birthday! yay. or, well, kind of yay. i think everyone has complicated feelings about their birthday, aging, and other such things, so i know i am not special when i say i have those too. currently i am home alone on my computer because my sister is at work. so, admittedly, today does not feel very special yet. we'll have dinner later at a restaurant i like which is nice though.

i guess my birthdays always feel a little empty though.. i wish i could celebrate them in the way you see on TV or something. whenever mine rolls around there's just a stark reminder that most of my family doesnt understand me much or know what todo to make me happy, and honestly i don't know the answer to that either...! so it's complicated. the idea of a surprise party is nice, but i am a control freak. the idea of getting gifts is nice, but i hate asking for things. stuff like that. i'm kind of hard to please, admittedly. these petty issues are small potatoes compared to the big thing though which is, well, my mom passing away earlier this year.

i try not to make that fact a core facet of my personality or anything but i can't exactly not think about it on a day like this. my mom was also someone who didn't understand me much, and maybe never could, but i think her desire to do so was larger than that of my siblings or other family. i love my siblings to be clear, and they are doing nice things for me around this time, but some of it feels obligatory i suppose aha.. especially with that context, my sister has basically admitted she's doing some of teh things she's done because it's what mom would have wanted. but what about what i want? what do i want? i don't know, and that's the problem. i feel like there's some bigger and shinier emotions i should be experiencing right now, but i truly don't know how to reach them.

well, it probably seems bad for me to complain so much, huh? what are some good things. Well, tomorrow morning i will be on a flight to visit my girlfriend. i probably mentioned that in an earlier entry. only for a week which never feels like enough, but it is something. it'll be cold there and the clothes i packed most certainly won't be enough but we ball. 

of course the gay people in my phone are sending me well wishes and being niceys to me which i appreciate. thank you everyone. i feel silly replying to every individual on bluesky or tumblr or whatever with "thank you"s, but maybe i should do that. well if any of you read this please know i appreciate it. everyone just wants a little attention you know. maybe more than a little, in my case. heheh.

another thing.. did i mention rorojam? i think i did. well rorojam was kind of a birthday gift to myself too. i had a game i was working on for that but i don't think i will finish it in time for trip.. that's okay though.

hmm...hmmmmmm wish i had more to say. aging is weird and it kinda sucks. i feel like the days leading up to birthday are always more fun than the birthday itself. maybe the idea of a birthday is overinflated? or i don't have the emotional capacity to enjoy it the way i want? i simply don't know. I will eat a yummy soup in about 4 hours though, and it will be awesome. 

Well since I mentioned RoRo jam, I'll talk about that too. People seem interested in it and I am happy. I want more robot games.. robot stories.... I like thinking about being something artificial and loving something artificial. I wish robot girls with heart were real instead of the AI slop we have now. Sigh. I think our society is too focused on replacing humanity for such a thing to ever exist the way it does in fiction. How sad,

Also, it is my birthday at the end of the month. 28.. save the date.. if u want. My birthday makes me kind of anxious since [THE EVERMARCHING PASSAGE OF TIME] but also just.. um... I don't spend them with people who understand me.. so it feels a bit hollow I guess... I am thankful for the online wishes I receive every year, but... sometimes a guy just wants to actually have a party with friends, you know? Well, the day after, I am flying out to see my girlfriend. I think it will be awesome. I hate waiting months and months just to see him for only a week but sometimes that's how it is. Long distance is cringe. Rips my skin off.

Games I've played recently... the one that sticks out most is Stray Children. What an interesting follow up to moon. Admittedly the combat mechanic is kind of strange and janky, but it wouldn't be cut from the same cloth if it wasn't a little fucky and obtuse, right? I like it overall, despite my frustrations. I might write more of my thoughts once I finish it. I think I've played for like ten hours but some of the review times I've seen are like a hundred hours and idk how they're getting to that point but WE'LL SEE.

I think I had more to say but I forgot it the second I started writing. Oh well. That's what's going on with me! Goobye