vacation update
Posted on: 2026-04-13 16:52:00
i am in Washington with my girlfriend now. Happy to be with him. I arrived a couple of days ago, on the 11th. Cygnus and I are making it a point to do more things together this time... we both like laying around the house, but it is pleasant to experience new things together.

We tried hotpot yesterday! It was so yummy. We went to a buffet style place where you grab plates for your ingredients and then bring them back to the table... not sure how other places do it. I had a bunch of mushrooms and vegetables, though I tried some wagyu too because Cygnus ordered it for himself. Also udon noodles. It was all so yummy. I accidentally burned some of my noodles but the staff were nice to me about it... was fun.

Afterwards we went to the mall, though it was a very strange mall that really didn't have many interesting stores in it. There was a ufo-catcher arcade but all we won was a strange fuzzy offbrand Kirby keychain. My mold spore. 

I'm trying not to focus on the stressors of creativity and productivity. They're on my mind now though which made me think about the blog and make this post. I actually told my boss I was leaving my job in May, but I haven't properly planned for it. I was just tired of the people and the selling of vices mostly. I wonder if I am making the right choice. We'll just have to see won't we? Of course, I am also stressed about art and feeling like all of the stuff I make is completely worthless. Another day in kail land.

For now, I will have good times with my girlfriend. Or try to at least. We are thinking of going to the market sometime this week, but it'll depend on the weather. It's so hazy and cold here all the time. I kind of like it, but I can also see myself getting tired of it if I live here. It's just novel to me because I'm from horrible summer Hell.

I'll try to update with some more interesting things later in the week.
just need to get through this week (infinite loop)
Posted on: 2026-04-02 20:28:00
PLAYING: Evil Egg, Outer Wilds
LISTENING TO: Give Up - The Postal Service


hello. i am exhausted.

My exhaustion regarding game development has still been persisting, though i can feel it fading away bit by bit... I've chewed a little bit at the third area, and i've thought a lot about the big picture. Will i get it done by the deadlines ive set for myself? no idea. who knows. my job is killing me LOL.

It is hard to describe the ways in which my job is killing me. I don't really like to talk about it openly. If you've worked at a small business or in retail then you will probably already understand.

Next week, I go back to washington to visit Cygnus. This is something to look forward to... I also get to visit another friend I haven;t seen for a long time... It will be fun Hopefully. I do have a few hell shifts to get through before then, but perhaps that will make them easier...

Oh yes, i finally made the leap into buying secondlife land and have my own house now. I think that will be its own post when I am more done with it. Or I'll just update the SL page about it. However, i made a secondlife-speciifc bsky account so that i can have an account for strictly fun stuff. for once. here it is.

hmm.. i thought i had more to talk about, but i suppose i don't. I've been experiencing trouble lately regarding talking. I think I want to and then every time i get the chance, i lose the words. Am I empty? Maybe! Well, I'm having a lot of anxiety revolving around this, so I guess I'll talk about That.

I am sure I am not special in this regard, but I feel like I don't have much to my being besides being an artist. Obviously artists put their everything into their art a lot of the time but most of the ones I know have something outside of that... A hobby, an interest, or something. I struggle sometimes to know what that is for me. Logically I know I have something because I am not God's Most Specialest Lone Wolf but sometimes i.. forget..? i guess... its hard to explain! I think these other factors are what make an artist's work truly special, so feeling like I have nothing also feels like it reflects poorly in my work.. My girlfriend laughs about me saying i am washed but sometimes I feel this way... It feels like it happens more and more often lately LOL.

I think my life is on pause right now. Not sure what to do about it. Mom's death contributes to that but i think it was like this before all that stuff too... I don't want to whine too much on the internet about being lonely because I don't feel like it helps anything, and literally everyone does it, but it is tempting to do every now and then. I do think a lot of my problems are self-inflicted, but I'm not too sure how to solve them yet. I don't know how to muster the confidence required to change things right now.

Thank you to everyone who is nice to me... I know I can be difficult.